The term Codependent has been around for over 40 years, and originally was applied to spouses of alcoholics. Over the years, research has shown that codependency is applied much more commonly to the general population. Melody Beattie was one of the first people who popularized the idea that everyday people are suffering from codependency. In her popular book, Codependent No More, she defines codependency as “A person who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
What are some signs of Codependency?
One of the main signs of codependency is a person who lets someone else’s behavior control or dictate their emotions. This means letting others’ moods, approval, anger, or addiction control how you feel. A second sign is that a codependent person is typically focused on trying to control another person and their behavior. This may look like fixing, helping, rescuing, monitoring, and managing other people in an effort to make them feel safe. Some other common signs of codependency might be:
- Finding it difficult to say “No” to others
- Being overly invested in the happiness or problems of others
- Trying to control the emotions and or reactions of others
- Belief that others cannot survive without them
- Putting the needs of others before themselves
- Needing to be liked or accepted by others
- Sacrificing their own needs and mental health for others
- Having trouble communicating their own needs, wants, and desires
- Having a fear of being rejected or abandoned
When does helping or caring go too far?
It is not wrong to want to care for and help others when done healthily. The issue with being codependent is that they may feel like they do not have a choice whether or not to help someone. They can end up helping someone to the point of sacrificing their own needs and sense of self. Codependency can create stress, which can lead to painful emotions such as shame and guilt. These can lead to low self-esteem and create fears such as:
- Being rejected or abandoned
- Being a failure
- Making mistakes
- Feeling too close to someone and being trapped
- Fear of being alone
- Being judged by others
These fears can lead to anxiety, depression, resentment, hopelessness, or despair. Melody Beattie clarified codependency as “crossing lines,” it becomes not just about simply caring, but when that caring turns into self-abandonment and control.
Healthy love = connection + self-respect
Codependency = connection + self-loss
How to get help?
There is a way to heal from codependency, and acknowledging the possibility you may need help is really the first step. Turning to a trusted counselor, support group, or reading one of the many books on codependency can be a good way to start. Most healing in this area involves setting boundaries, self-care, letting others face their consequences, and starting to focus on your own feelings and choices. Asking yourself as Melody does in her book “ Where do I end and the other person begin”? Moving into a life where you do not have to try to control people or situations can bring peace and serenity. It takes courage to want to change, but after doing the work, healing can take place, which can be very freeing. Check out some of the resources listed below, and know that taking the first step can be hard, but asking for help and reaching out is the first step to healing.
CoDA- Support group
https://codependencyrecovery.org/
Books
Codependent No More by Melody Beatie
Facing Codependency by Pia Melody
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
