It’s no secret that our relationships are so important to us– not only to avoid feelings of loneliness, but science supports the fact that relationships can benefit us physically, emotionally, and intellectually. That drive that we have to want to connect with others is an instinctual drive and is part of what makes us human. With that in mind, relationships can also be the source of heartache, especially when we care about someone who may be struggling with their mental health.
Maybe you’ve noticed a change in mood or behavior. Someone you care about seems isolated, on edge, or sad. Perhaps they’ve lost a lot of weight quickly, or you’ve noticed they’re using more alcohol or marijuana than usual. It could be that you know they are going through a lot and want to offer your support. Seeing a loved one struggle with their mental and emotional health tugs at our heartstrings and prompts us to take action, but knowing how to take action can be daunting. Below are some tips about how to help a loved one who might be struggling with their mental health.
How to talk to someone who might be struggling
The first step to helping is to start the conversation with your loved one. But that can feel scary! What if I say the wrong thing? The discomfort of these conversations can often stop someone from offering support. This guide will help you know how to navigate the initial conversation.
- Choose the right time and place. Recognize that mental and emotional struggles can be deeply personal and choosing the right setting for a conversation can make the difference between a person opening up or shutting down. Try to find a place that’s private to reduce distractions or interruptions. Pick a time of day that the person is likely not to be distressed (like after sitting in traffic for an hour might not be the best). Also, pick a time that gives you space to be able to have time to listen without needing to cut the conversation short.
- Prepare your message. Often in difficult conversations, words can fail us, so planning out what you want to say can help you stay on track. Take some time to journal about what you want to say so you can work through your own thoughts on the topic and simplify your message. Using I-statements can help- which means stating things that you’ve observed (“I noticed you’ve been teary-eyed a few times yesterday”), things you feel (“I’m worried about you”), and your thoughts on the topic (“I want to be here to support you through whatever you’re doing through” or “I think it might be time to talk to a counselor”).
- Express love and care. Remember, calling attention to someone’s struggles might create some defensiveness. Help bring their walls down by reminding the person how much you love and care for them. You are on their team and want to help.
- Listen without interruption. It’s normal to want to jump in with advice or solutions. Instead, let the person talk without trying to fix or solve anything. Put away the cell phone and take deep breaths throughout the conversation to keep you grounded.
- Validate experiences even if you don’t agree or understand. A person’s reality is shaped by their perception, and perception is formed from personal experiences and their personality. Each person has a unique perception, which is a beautiful thing. It can also make a hard conversation even harder when it disagrees with your perception. Remember, you are here to offer support, and you don’t have to fully agree to be there for someone.
How to help someone who may be struggling
Now that you know how to start the conversation, how can you offer support without overextending yourself? Here are a few practical ideas as well as common pitfalls to avoid:
- Practical help. Does your person need a ride to a therapist? Do they need some help finding resources in their area? Maybe they need someone to support them on their first visit, or a helping hand to watch their children while they attend meetings. Avoid the pitfall of overextending yourself. You can’t pour from an empty bottle. So, remember to keep in mind your personal limitations as well.
- Be consistent. If you say you are going to follow up the next day, be sure to follow up. Over time, consistency shows that you are a safe person whom they can trust. Avoid the pitfall of making promises you can’t keep.
- Allow them to say no. Everyone has the right to refuse help. Respecting their autonomy shows that you respect them as a person and increases the likelihood that they will come to you when they feel ready to get help. You might not agree, but you can respect their decision. Avoid the pitfall of blame. Placing blame on the person or on yourself only destroys connection and inhibits progress. Stop the blame game.
- Offer verbal support. Never underestimate the power of positive words. Someone struggling with their mental health will often have a poor self-concept, meaning they can be hard on themselves. Assuring your loved one that you see good in them can change the way they speak to themselves. Avoid the pitfall of minimizing feelings. Telling someone “well, that’s not true” or “don’t do that to yourself” can be harmful. Instead, go back to I-statements. “I see you as someone who is worthy of happiness.” It may feel like it doesn’t help, but over time will have a greater impact on a person.
- Encourage healthy habits. Consistency is important when it comes to treating mental health concerns. Examples include – Regular physical activity, regular healthy meals, adherence to medicine schedules, reducing alcohol consumption, getting enough sleep, etc. Remind your loved ones of how much they have in their control and offer to be an accountability partner for creating new, healthier habits. Avoid the pitfall of over-reliance on helping. The goal is for the person to be self-motivated. If you notice they are relying too much on your reminders, it might be important to find another solution. If you feel like you’re working harder than your loved one, it’s time to take a step back.
- Be a Safe place. Sometimes, all a person needs is a safe place to speak without feeling judged. Listen more than you speak, limit solution finding, and validate their experiences, and see how the person relaxes in your presence.
Remember to check in with yourself
Remember airplane safety presentations? When the oxygen mask comes down, you should help yourself before you help the person sitting next to you. If you lose consciousness, you won’t be able to help anyone around you. The same goes for helping a loved one who is struggling with their mental health. It can be difficult and draining, so don’t forget to offer the same loving kindness to yourself that you offer your loved ones. If you need to, develop a support system of caring family, friends, and your own personal counselor who can uplift you in turn.
Need additional resources? Check out these nationwide resources
- Suicide Hotline: 9-8-8
- Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org
- Domestic Violence Hotline: www.thehotline.org
- Veterans Crisis Line: Text 838255 or call 9-8-8 ext 1
- LGBTQ+ Resources: www.thetrevorproject.org
- Substance Use Treatment Resources: www.FindTreatment.gov
- Additional Resources: www.FindSupport.gov
- Finding a mental health professional in your area: www.psychologytoday.com
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