It can be said that no perfect relationship exists out there. Every couple spends time in the inevitable quarrel or disagreement from time to time. Whether it is a minor disconnect or a major dispute, how couples handle the conflict can determine how successful the outcome might be. The health of a relationship between two people rests on the ability to communicate even during times of disagreement or misunderstanding. Fighting fair can make a big difference!
In couples therapy, one critical component of effective conflict resolution is to understand and put in to practice “fair fighting” rules that you both agree on. These “rules” or guidelines help couples engage effectively in a productive, respectful, and constructive form of communication during arguments, ultimately fostering a healthy connection and deeper level of understanding.
Some examples of essential fair fighting rules that can be particularly helpful in arguments are listed below:
Stick to One Issue at a time
It is so easy for a disagreement to send two people spiraling into a wider range of critique or questioning of either the partner or the relationship. In order to stay productive during an argument – focus on the specific issue that was presented and is being addressed at the time rather than bringing up unrelated grievances from the past. An example: If you are arguing about the chores – avoid turning the conversation into a critique of your partner’s abilities or past mistakes.
Avoid Name-Calling and Insults
Any form of derogatory remarks, insults or disrespect can damage trust and intimacy in a relationship. In an argument – it is best to stick to discussing the behavior in question or the issue rather than attacking your partner’s character. It is important to remember the goal in this case is to resolve a conflict which allows you and your partner to feel closer and more connected. There is no “winning” in a disagreement.
Use Active Listening
In order to better understand and communicate – give your full attention when discussing or processing a disagreement. Put yourself in the other’s viewpoint and challenge yourself to see their perspective. In order to do so, avoid interrupting your partner, make appropriate eye contact, give non-verbal cues such as nodding your head, and reflect back on what you are hearing in response.
Use “I” Statements
To help your partner fully understand your point of view, frame your communication in terms of your own experience rather than blaming your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You never understand me!” use “I” statements to express your feelings by saying “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.” This allows for your partner to understand where you are coming from and why this is being presented.
Take Breaks if Needed
If you find yourself unable or unwilling to listen in the moment of an argument, it is okay to take a break. Effectively communicate your need for a “time-out”. An important follow-up to note on this is to encourage agreeing on a time to revisit the conversation once both partners have had a chance to cool down and process their thoughts. This is a great way to de-escalate the “in-moment” tension.
Seek Common Ground
After all, the goal of the discussion is to find a mutual understanding or concern. Identifying the goals or values of each partner can help connect and encourage a cooperative effort in problem-solving rather than a war. Not only does this show respect and care between partners but also encourages a deeper connection and meaning.
Apologize and Forgive
Recognize if you’ve made a mistake, or be willing to apologize sincerely. Digging your heels in the ground during an argument can cause more tension and hostility. Take the time if needed to process or collect your thoughts on forgiveness and offer it to your partner. Holding onto grudges or harboring resentment can undermine the health of your relationship and disrupt conflict resolution.
These guidelines and one’s you can create with your partner. They are ways in which you can encourage each other and effectively connect on a deeper level despite disagreements or misunderstandings. By focusing on respectfully communicating, active listening, showing understanding and empathy, a couple can navigate tough situations and disagreements in such a way that it boosts resiliency in your partnership. Lastly, if you find this to be challenging, seek professional help. This can provide a neutral space to practice, learn and connect together in better tackling the quarrels of life and partnership. If you are ready to seek help, give us a call at 832-352-1600 or click HERE to contact us through our website.
