Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages! Come one, come all, and welcome to the chaotic circus of relationships. I am your humble host and ringmaster, People McPleaser, and I welcome you to our show. As the best ringmaster in the business, it is my job to make sure all of you having the best experience possible – even if it means I have to jump through the treacherous rings of fire or become a snack for our ferocious tiger! But what’s this? You don’t think I should do such dangerous and extreme things for your entertainment? But you are my audience – I must keep you happy, for if I consider my safety, happiness, and wellbeing, I am selfish! But am I really being selfish or selfless?
Selfish
Counselor Krista here! I gave our exhausted ringmaster a break for the rest of the blog, but he brings up an excellent question – are we selfish if we put our needs before someone else’s or are we something else? It can be a fine line and not as clear as one may think, especially if we have people pleasing tendencies. As always, let us start at the foundation with the definitions of these words. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, selfish is defined as, “seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.” Does that sound like you? Chances are, it doesn’t because, as a people pleaser, you are solely regarding others and their needs, not disregarding them. If anything, you are disregarding your own needs to prioritize the needs and desires of others.
Selfless
So if prioritizing your needs is not selfish, as we have identified, then what is it? Well, let’s look at the definition of another word: selfless. The dictionary defines selfless as, “having no concern for self.” The truth is out – you are so concerned with the needs of others that you have lost all concern for yourself. If reading that brings you discomfort, then I’m glad you’re here. That discomfort you feel is the first step towards becoming your authentic self again: awareness. If you are not aware of the harmful cognition or behavior, how can you even to address it?
What Now?
Allow the aforementioned concept to sink in: you are not being selfish when you prioritize your needs, you are simply providing the care for yourself that you have been giving away to others. Whether it is for something big or something small, you get to decide where your energy goes and how it is recharged. Exhausted from a long work week and don’t want to attend an informal social gathering? Cancel! You deserve to recharge in the way that best suites you! Don’t want to conform to the ideals of a family member just to keep the peace? Then don’t! There does not have to be conflict for your voice to be heard. You can use neutral statements to disengage or remove yourself from the situation entirely. Your message still gets across loud and clear – I will not lose care for myself to solely care for you.
Keep in mind, you can still care for others while also prioritizing your needs. It is a balancing act of how much energy are you willing to exert versus how much are you going to receive. Boundary setting and assertive communication are the next steps in moving towards your authentic self and prioritizing your needs. If your people pleaser ringmaster commands your circus, please give us a call and we can help you take back those reigns so you can have the greatest show on earth! No more jumping through fiery hoops! You can call us at 832-352-1600 or contact us through our website at txharmonycounseling.com/contact-us.
