Staying Connected Through the Teen Years

AH yes, the teenage years. A time when your normally happy and easy-going child turns into a moody stranger almost overnight. Power struggles over the simplest things can turn into battles that last days or weeks. Many parents find themselves feeling disconnected from their child as they reach adolescence. Despite that disconnect, it’s more important than ever to stay in the emotional trenches with your child during these years. Studies show that teenagers with healthy connections to more adults are more resilient to life challenges. Those connections are vitally important in helping your teen feel confident in exploring their identity in the world while feeling like they can always come home to a loving environment.

So why is it so hard to connect with teens? As children enter adolescent years, they begin to form their own values and identities outside their families, and their peer relationships become increasingly important. They also want to develop more independence from their parents and often strive towards that independence clumsily as their cognitive skills continue to grow (that’s why they seem to always been fighting you on something!).  On top of that, hormonal changes during puberty make teens more sensitive to stress and others’ perceptions of them, resulting in more anxiety and depression during these years. While these changes are natural and normal developmental milestones, they can still create barriers to maintaining a connection.

Staying connected to your teen during this period of time requires some flexibility and adaptability on the part of the parents. Here are some tips for how to stay connected during the tricky teenage years:

10 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Teen

1. Allowing more independence while setting clear expectations. Allowing your teen to make age-appropriate decisions for themselves is a great way to give them some of the independence they crave. Rules and expectations are still important at this age, but it’s a great time to loosen the reins when the stakes are low.
2. Let your child work through small struggles on their own. Naturally, as parents, we want to protect our teens from difficult emotions. However, learning to regulate their emotions and work through challenges can result in increased confidence. Tell them you believe in them, offer your support, but avoid the impulse to jump in to save the day.
3. Find ways to connect daily. Have daily rituals that will allow you to check in with your teenager. For some families, that might look like a family dinner; for others, it might be a few minutes while your teen is getting ready for bed; and still others might only have a minute in the mornings to check in. Whatever your family schedule looks like, don’t underestimate the importance of those daily touchpoints.
4. Be real. Teenagers are smart! They know when something feels inauthentic. Take a genuine interest in what they are saying, ask questions, and get curious about their experiences.
5. Don’t force it. Kids at this age need privacy. Respect their need for space without making them feel guilty for wanting a little space when needed.
6. Skip the lectures. Let your teen vent to you and try to validate how they feel without skipping to fixing mode.
7. Treat them with respect. Set limits and be clear with your expectations so they aren’t left to guess what their responsibilities are. If a punishment is in place, set clear time frames and expectations around it. Speak to them like the adults that they are, so desperately wanting to be, and see how they rise to the occasion.
8. Spend time rediscovering what your teen is interested in. Let them have a say in family meals, what movie to watch on a Friday night, or how they want to spend their weekend. It’s not always realistic or convenient to let them have their way, but occasionally, show them you hear them by letting them make a choice.
9. Develop new traditions. Maybe they’ve grown out of matching pajamas and breakfast with Santa. It might be sad for us to see them grow, but including them in planning big events and seeing how they light up is a great way to celebrate their growth.
10. Show you are working on yourself. Allow your teen to hear what your personal goals are and show them what it looks like to work through challenges. While they don’t need all the details of what you’re struggling with, and it isn’t their job to fix adult issues, seeing how you tackle challenges with resilience and fortitude will help them see it is possible. If your challenges feel too much at times, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for help. Together, you can build new, healthy habits that your teenager can model themselves.

If you’re finding parenting through the teen years to be a challenge, know you are not alone! Part of them growing into themselves requires a bit of struggle. Remember to stay connected, and you’ll find yourselves growing into a new and enriching relationship with your child.

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