Most parents are familiar with two forms of discipline: passive or authoritarian. Without going into too much depth (see my Parenting Styles 101 blog), passive parenting is viewed as free-flowing and allowing children to do whatever they may please, while authoritarian parenting is very firm with strict rules and harsh punishments. While neither of these styles is inherently wrong, you may not be seeing the results you’re looking for. Why? Because neither takes into account the parent-child relationship nor your child’s stage of development. Both styles miss key elements that can create short-term compliance but long-term challenges. What if there were a way to combine empathy with well-defined limitations? A way to value and respect the parent-child relationship while also maintaining clear boundaries. ACT Limit Setting offers exactly that balance.
Acknowledge the Feeling
The first step in responding to your child during dysregulation is acknowledging what they are feeling. By validating the child’s emotion or need first, you are making the child feel understood before any correction takes place. Placing empathy at the start of the interaction reinforces emotional safety and the parent-child relationship. For example, if your child is throwing a fit because they can’t have a toy at the store, you would get on their level by sitting or kneeling and saying, “You are really disappointed right now.” This statement focuses solely on the child’s feelings at the time. It’s also a great opportunity to build their emotional vocabulary by naming what they are experiencing.
Communicate the Limit
The next statement after empathy is to state the boundary. Whether it’s “I am not for hitting” or “Playtime is over,” you clearly and concisely verbalize what the limit is. This is no time for lectures or shame. You are simply stating the facts of the situation in a calm, even tone. This may also be a good time for some co-regulation. If you notice that you are getting frustrated or angry, taking a deep breath will model exactly what your child needs as well. If you are unable to stay regulated yourself, how can you expect your child to? Once calm, state the limit in a clear and calm tone and follow with the last step.
Target an Alternative
You’ve now extended and communicated empathy towards your child and asserted the limit for the situation, so what’s next? Your child still needs an outlet to process their emotions. Without an alternative solution, they will continue to be stuck in a loop of dysregulation. Think of it this way – if you ordered something off the menu at a restaurant and were told it wasn’t available, would the waiter ask you to leave the restaurant? No! They’d provide you with an alternative! We cannot expect our children to be fine with the limits we set for them, even when it is in their own best interest. They may not yet understand why the limit exists and now is not the time to teach them. Providing an alternative teaches the child how to fulfill their underlying need in an acceptable manner.
Putting It All Together
So what does a complete ACT limit look like? Let’s paint the scene: Your child is upset because they need to leave the playdate and begins to hit you. Acknowledge the feeling: You are really angry. Communicate the limit: But I am not for hitting. Target an alternative: If you’d like to hit something, you can hit this pillow (put a pillow in front of you to block the hits). You calmly repeat the same statements as needed until the issue is resolved. There is no lecture, there is no physical discipline, there is no shame. You are meeting your child with empathy while also ensuring both your safety and theirs. In time, your child will learn to implement the alternative you provided as a coping strategy and the outbursts will diminish. Trust the process – consistency is key!
Need Support?
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